My January 1st 2013

I seem to have a talent. A talent that many of us ignore. A talent that I have been forced to recognize and appreciate it. A talent that brings both joy and sadness to all around me. A talent that you don't need to have. My talent is to get myself into trouble constantly and expect others to bail me out. This time, it caught up with me and caught up with me good.I'm human, female and with emotions. My emotions however, get tangled up depending on the scenario. I am pretty good at knowing what's right and what's wrong and that's when my talent kicks in. 

This time, I got my heart involved in my search for trouble. I met this young man in Malindi. The literal tall dark and handsome. We started spending more and more time together, we got close and eventually started dating. All was well, and he is such a gent. We work together, and that was a major problem as we worked so hard to keep it a secret, that we often bonded on how close people came to knowing about us. It was no longer about him and I but what people know about us.

This young man, lets name him Kim, did everything in his power to shower me with his love. He took me out to dinner dates often, brought me lunch when I was tied up in office, took me for ice cream dates, clubbing, joined me during my free sessions for swimming, introduced me to his friends as his woman and met my new pals in Malindi. He would help me with my work and tried to make my life better and more fulfilling. Several times he helped me hit my target and he is someone I can easily rely on. 

My friends here in Malindi think he's bad news. Since he's a pretty boy, he has to be faking. He has to be having some line up of women and am simply one on the string. They have asked me severally to break up with him as he ''aint worth me'' on several occasions. One time I started believing them and seeing sense in what they were saying. What they didn't know was that it hurt me every time they said something nasty about him. I was never truthful to them about him. I just told them his weaknesses and never his strengths. I can't blame them for their opinions, they were doing what friends do best, looking after my best interests.

During that time of doubting Kim, I was introduced to another gentleman, let's name him Ben. Ben is what any woman in their right mind would go for. He is mature, stable in mind, kind and thoughtful, a good listener and most of all he knows how to keep a woman interested. Ben is also very very good with words. The distance between me and Ben was about 600 kilometers. he lives in a different town. We constantly talked or chat on whats-app application on our cell phones. Since he was far from me, I tried hooking him up with my girlfriend but it never matured as none was willing to meet the other. He then said he wanted to be with me.

Ben and I got close. When I went to that town to work, we met for the first time. That was the start of my talent. We had so much fun with him and his friends for the week I was there. He joined me in my work trips and introduced me to his network of contacts. People we can work with and do profitable business together. I loved the way he could look at me, like gaze for a while. He got his friends to like me and involve me in what they were doing. Eventually, I started thinking we were dating. I enjoyed it. 

I was living a lie. Whenever am with Ben, I knew that Kim would call and always tried to call back when Ben aint around. When I was with Kim, Ben would hit me up on chat and would continue chatting with him. This became the source of problems between Kim and I. He was not happy that I chat with other people in his presence and more so late at night. Ben seemed to be indifferent about it. On 31st December last year, Ben gave me a surprise visit at my work place in Malindi. 

In case you still haven't caught the drift, I was dating two men at the same time. Now I had Ben and Kim in the same place. This is when I knew my time was up. It was my 39th day as a thief. Ben asked about Kim and Kim has been asking about Ben for a while. What's worse, Ben wanted to meet Kim, make him a business offer but none knew I was dating the other. Yes, I was busted, there was no other way out but to confess my sins to both.

What happened? I introduced each to the other. They did their business meeting in my presence and after, I told them the truth. I have been dating both of them at the same time. Kim was devastated, Ben simply walked away. Kim was so angry at me he couldn't look at me without sneering. I can't blame him. I made a mistake knowing that one day it will blow up. He lectured me for a good one hour thirty minutes. That time, I knew I liked him more than I thought. When he left, I felt a sharp pain in my gut like someone put a knife in me. I started crying but kept reminding myself that it's my fault. All this was my fault.

Ben on the other hand, comes by to check if Kim had killed me. He didn't seem bothered by the news at all. He kept justifying that there is nothing he can do about it. When we got the chance to talk, we walked along the beach and all through I couldn't help but wonder why it aint bothering him. He then asked me to do what makes me happy. He said he wanted us to be a couple but seems like there are some complications. That right there got me thinking. He has already got himself out of my world. He's not Kim. Kim reacts and isn't afraid to show emotions but Ben is like the ultimate alpha and doesn't show emotions. After some breather, Kim decides he needs to know where he stands and I needed to make a choice. In my head, the choice has already been made by Ben. He wanted out and was left with Kim.

That to me bothered me. I needed to follow what I want. My mind was telling me to go with Ben but my heart was for Kim. Both mind and heart are stupid as got me here in the first place. My choices got me here and was afraid to make another dumb one. Do I choose the one my mind wants and thinks is right one as he challenges me but not sure of where we stand with each other or should I follow my heart that tell me its Kim and that he loves me and shows it but I may not be loving him as much as he loves me or worse simply reacting to his loving actions. I had the worst time, I could literally not choose. Whenever am with Kim, am settled and want Kim but when I got to Ben, I want Ben too.

I decided to choose myself. That was a minute decision. Kim invited me for dinner, went and think am now back to square one. Back with him while I told Ben I wanted him. why can't I make a decision on this. I am afraid of what Ben's friends will think of me and am afraid of what my colleagues will think if not already thinking about me. I'm afraid Ben and Kim will both hate me. I'm afraid of losing my public image of a good stable wifely woman. I'm afraid of being labelled a whore. I'm mostly afraid of losing my self respect and dignity. Think I just lowered the last two. I'm afraid of being embarrassed by myself and not being able to look at myself with same esteem again. I'm afraid of what my friends will think. I'm simply afraid of making a decision and living with the consequences.